Here is your roving Thailand reporter again doing the yeoman work of preparing all Americans for the 2024 Presidential election. We still have almost two years to wait, but everybody knows the campaign started on November 9, or whenever the midterm elections end (if they ever do). Anyway, I thought it was extremely important to ask all the possible candidates an extremely important question: Why do you want to be President? This is extremely important. So, I asked a bunch of them and here are the answers I got.
Please answer the following question: Why do you want to be President of the United States?
Donald Trump: “Several reasons. One, me. Two, Joe Biden is a creep. Three, me. Four, Rosie O’Donnell is fat. Five, me. Six, is somebody else running? Seven, me. Eight, Europeans are creeps, too. Nine, me.” Yeah! Woo-hoo!
Ron DeSantis: “Will somebody PLEASE tell me when I EVER said I wanted to be President???”
Joe Biden: “Well, I want to run for Sena--, uh, President again for many reasons. (Please hand me that paper over there so I can know where to sit….thank you.) Number one, Jill likes being First Doctor and eating tacos and she likes Delaware Avenue. Number two, Hunter spends a lot of money, and he likes taking trips to China, our family’s favorite country. He needs a new laptop, he can’t remember where he left his last one. The Republicans are also looking for it, but, well, they are Republicans, they can’t find their butts with both hands, so they’ll never find it. He can buy a new iPhone in Zhengzhou, too, if those ungrateful Chinese people will quit protesting the nice Mr. Xi’s lockdowns (we’ll do those again here soon). Number four, I think Venezuela has really nice people—so many of them are in America now—and I want to help them by drilling oil there. Saudi Arabia and Iran, too. Number five, Ukraine needs several hundred billion dollars more. President Zelensky wants some new T-shirts. I don’t know what else they are doing with the funds we send them, but I’m sure it’s honest, Ukraine has the most trustworthy government in the world. Number five, Trump won in 2016 because Gorbachin, um, Hitlin bought the election for him, so we’ll give that money to the Ukrainians. Number eight, I’m 80 years old now, it’s nice to be able to run…anywhere, haha. Number seven, my whole staff tells me that all the American people love me and want me for six more years. I’m sure that’s true. That’s all.” (Turns to shake hands with somebody who isn’t there…)
Kamala Harris: (giggle, giggle, giggle…giggle some more…giggle…) If Joe doesn’t want to run again, I may run because the President of the United States is the President, you know, and the President gets to do things that a President does. So being President will, you know, allow me to do things that only a President can do and that I think Presidents need to do. Yes, being President would be very Presidential.”
Hillary Clinton: “Bill was President, so why can’t I be? I’ll bet there are a lot of brooms to ride in the White House, too.”
Mike Pompeo: “Because it is there."
Mike Pence: “Well, I was Vice-President. So, that makes me qualified to be President. I’m a very nice man and Donald Trump isn’t. We need a nice person in the White House. Besides, I wrote a book. Well, somebody did and I get to sign it.”
Ted Cruz: “Presidents can take neat vacations to lots of places. Like Cancun. Cancun is super nice in the winter."
Nikki Haley: “America! I think. Mustn’t upset too many people…”
Gavin Newsom: “Well, I’ve turned the richest, most populous state in the union into a stinking, rat-infested sewage dump, and I want to see if I can do the same for the whole country. Joe’s doing ok destroying America, but I think I can do it better and faster.”
Asa Hutchinson: “If the American people are dumb enough to elect one idiot governor from Arkansas to be President, then why not another?”
Liz Cheney: “Because I hate Donald Trump. My dad told me to.”
Larry Hogan: “Because my name isn’t Donald Trump.”
Adolf Hitler: “So people will stop calling me Donald Trump!”
Chris Christie: “Man, can you imagine all the good food the President gets served in the White House?” (drools)
Lyndon B. Johnson: “Hey, you got a senile, doddering old dolt with one foot in the grave right now in the White House, why can’t a real dead man be President? Besides, I’ll get all the dead peoples’ votes. I always did before…”
Xi Jinping: “What? I already am.”
Mark Lewis: “Can I be President and still live in Thailand?....Then, forget it…”
So, there you have it. I don’t really want to be President, but, wow, we certainly have a lot of awesome candidates to choose from based on the answers above. Don’t you agree?
